I am lonely

There, I said it. I'm lonely. My kids are in school all day, my hubby is at work, working really hard so that I don't have to work, and here I sit, at home, alone. 

I've never been one of those people who have a million friends. I grew up in a sheltered life, and most of my "friends" were at my school...and only wanted to be my friend at school. I wasn't Miss Popularity. I was, and still am, a dork. I have, and have had, 1 best friend since I was 15...my husband.  

I know that I am extremely blessed to have him, but he's not a girl! We have so many things we do together at home after he gets home from work, but, I need a friend during the day as well. Someone I can go to lunch with, have coffee with (notice my life revolves around food...) and just talk to. Most of the conversations I have now, are with my dog. I love him, but it's kind of a one-sided conversation. 😉

So, I go back to the loneliness. I've always struggled with it. On the outside, I look like I have it all together, but I don't. I just don't....

Feelings....

....sometimes having feelings suck! I mean, seriously, they get hurt! They get stomped on! And the worst part is, the person who hurt them, probably doesn't even know it!

I woke up this morning and went on to Instagram....and my feelings were hurt.  I know it isn't anything big, but they were.  I felt...left out, unloved, broken, mad, jealous...just to name a few.  I honestly thought "I should just stop following her"...but I can't. 

Then 2 things dawned on me...

1.  That this is a relationship that is forever broken...I don't think it will ever be fully repaired.  There isn't a lot I can do about it either. 

2.  I need to turn this hurt, this relationship over to God.  He is the only one that can fix it, if it is meant to be fixed. 

So, I did that.  I gave it to God.  I poured my heart out on how it isn't fair, how I want it to be how it used to be.  But, I have to realize that I need to take myself out of it.  I CAN'T fix it.  I need to lay it at God's feet.  I need to stop letting my feelings get hurt.  I need to forgive her for hurting me, even if she doesn't ever ask for it.  And I need to leave it alone.....alone at my Savior's feet.  I'm praying that this week....

Sometimes....

....I feel stressed/anxious about a lot of things....

...how I'm not losing weight.
...if my son will live on his own someday and have a career.
...if my daughter will marry a man that loves her and treats her right.
...not accomplishing my bucket list by the time I'm 40.
...what I would do if something ever happened to my husband.
...losing my parents.
...losing one of my kids.

Then I remember this verse..... Philippians 4:6  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

 I have to remember that God is in control.  My plans pale in comparison to His.  He knew the plan for my life before I was ever even born...He knew my successes, my failures...He knew and He still knows AND He still loves me, no matter what size I am, or how much money I have.  So, when I start to worry or stress about things in my life, I have to remember that The Creator of this world has everything under control, and, if something on the above list happens, God will equip me to handle that situation....so, cast all your anxiety, all your cares on Him...Abba Father.

Welcome...to my brain dump....

You know how you feel when you want to say something, and it's on the tip of your tongue, but you just can't think of what it is?  Or, when you feel as though everything you're thinking just comes flying out of your mouth without ever going thru the filter in your head?  Well, I go through both of these, usually within 5 minutes of each other.  

This is not my first blog.  I've had blogs about motherhood, about my family, God and baseball.  I've tried keeping it up, but,  because of the title of my blog, I felt I couldn't say what was going on in my head.  Well, this is that blog...whatever is going on in my head, will be spilled all over this keyboard.  I think it will be a good "Dear Diary" for me.  I don't know if I'll share any of my posts on social media (FB or Twitter), it might not be appropriate all of the time...lol...but it will be what's on my mind, on my heart...just waiting to come out.  I hope that if you stumble across this blog, you enjoy a little tiny bit of it...maybe a laugh or two.  I don't claim it to be a great one, just my brain dump...in process...............